I.... haven't been feeling myself as of late. I don't feel particularly happy but I don't feel unhappy either? some kind of strange in-between limbo I guess. I haven't had much motivation when I wake and I'm skipping my classes more frequently. I've been avoiding my boyfriend for the better part of 3 weeks and I just want everything to. stop. For a bit.

I'm not exactly sure about where this is all coming from, but I guess this is a culmination of a lot of things? It might be stress from my parents, school, and myself. I know it's kind of childish, especially since I will be turning 20 this year, but I feel like I need to meet everyone's expectations of me? It's strange, since I've never felt particularly inclined to do so even when I was growing up (even though the comparisons and comments sometimes hurt.)

Could I chalk this up to my overall unhappiness with myself? I know it's something I've internalized since my parents started comparing me to my cousins when I was in middle school. I guess I automatically assume I'm not good enough so I don't put in the effort to push myself. I even stopped with all the hobbies I enjoyed in middle and high school because I felt like "it didn't fit" or that "it wasn't something I needed for my future."

The future is so ambiguous.... I find it funny that we always do everything "for the future." What about the now? What about being happy now?

I've been so tired lately, like a bone-deep exhaustion I can't seem to make go away no matter how much sleep I get. I can't exactly explain the things I am feeling but sometimes I feel something's missing? Or a hollow feeling? I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

I know for a fact that I have the habit of quitting things, I mean hell I changed my major because I didn't want to take chemistry. It's ridiculous.

I try not to regret the decisions I've made in the past because they have helped shaped me to be the person I am today but sometimes.... I wish I could've been more firm with the things I liked and wanted. I feel that I'd have a better sense of what direction I want to go into with my life.

Sorry for all this blabbering, but I have no where else to write about this.

Labels: personal