4.4.14 at 8:16 PM with

I.... haven't been feeling myself as of late. I don't feel particularly happy but I don't feel unhappy either? some kind of strange in-between limbo I guess. I haven't had much motivation when I wake and I'm skipping my classes more frequently. I've been avoiding my boyfriend for the better part of 3 weeks and I just want everything to. stop. For a bit.

I'm not exactly sure about where this is all coming from, but I guess this is a culmination of a lot of things? It might be stress from my parents, school, and myself. I know it's kind of childish, especially since I will be turning 20 this year, but I feel like I need to meet everyone's expectations of me? It's strange, since I've never felt particularly inclined to do so even when I was growing up (even though the comparisons and comments sometimes hurt.)

Could I chalk this up to my overall unhappiness with myself? I know it's something I've internalized since my parents started comparing me to my cousins when I was in middle school. I guess I automatically assume I'm not good enough so I don't put in the effort to push myself. I even stopped with all the hobbies I enjoyed in middle and high school because I felt like "it didn't fit" or that "it wasn't something I needed for my future."

The future is so ambiguous.... I find it funny that we always do everything "for the future." What about the now? What about being happy now?

I've been so tired lately, like a bone-deep exhaustion I can't seem to make go away no matter how much sleep I get. I can't exactly explain the things I am feeling but sometimes I feel something's missing? Or a hollow feeling? I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

I know for a fact that I have the habit of quitting things, I mean hell I changed my major because I didn't want to take chemistry. It's ridiculous.

I try not to regret the decisions I've made in the past because they have helped shaped me to be the person I am today but sometimes.... I wish I could've been more firm with the things I liked and wanted. I feel that I'd have a better sense of what direction I want to go into with my life.

Sorry for all this blabbering, but I have no where else to write about this.


最纯真的梦想 已被遗忘在身旁, 跌跌撞撞 反复期望又失望
hello, welcome to my blog. you can call me diana. i'll mostly be posting reviews, hauls, about my travels and the like here.

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